Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Upside Of Grief

Since we got the first positive beta results, I've been so aware of the ways in which my previous miscarriages have cast a shadow on this experience. Every time I go to the bathroom (which these days is quite a lot) I'm convinced I'll see blood. I have nightmares about the ultrasound. I have flashbacks to the moment we learned our first baby was gone. I torture myself with statistics and probabilities.

Atomic, too, has been scarred. He panics whenever his cell phone rings. He hovers over me with a worried look on his beautiful face. He broods.

Over the last couple of days, though, I've become more aware of the positive things that our struggles have given us. For one, I know our baby, if this is the one, will never ever have to doubt his or her place in this world or in our hearts.

On a completely different level, our past heartaches have given me the ability to appreciate every single thing about this pregnancy. Yesterday, as I was walking through the financial district, listening to my iPod, I started tearing up for no reason.

No, really, NO REASON.

*Ahem* I may actually be the first person ever to be moved to tears by "Boogie Wonderland."

"I'm irrationally emotional because of all the hormones," I thought. "That's so AWESOME!" And then I cried some more and laughed and a homeless lady looked at me in an I-might-swat-at-imaginary-flies-and-wear-tissue-boxes-on-my-feet-but-you're-NUTS kind of way.

And today. Oh, wow. I had to leave the table during an all-day negotiation session multiple times -- mostly to pee, but once to dry heave. I can honestly say it was the happiest I've ever been with my head in a toilet. I even grabbed my phone to surreptitiously text Atomic:

Me: OMG! Honey, I just dry heaved! Isn't that wonderful?

Atomic: I luv u crazy woman

I wouldn't go so far as to say it was worth the misery, but it sure is nice to find so much joy in this process.


Pamela Jeanne said...

I loved your post. I think it's great that you relish what most women detest about their pregnancy. I'm living vicariously through you! Wishing you continued success...

LaurenM said...

Couldn't be happier for you. I crave what you have and admire your fortitude in getting there. You're an inspiration and every day I'm sending you positive, healthy thoughts from NJ.

Hope4future said...

:-D Heave away, dear lady!

...and I want a tshirt that says "You may swat at imaginary flies, but I'm NUTS!"

Tina said...

Thank you for this post... As I prepare to TTC again, how you feel is exactly how I think I will feel - especially because I kept checking in the bathroom constantly for spotting.

It sucks that we have to look at pregnancy this way now... I hope you will be able to find some peace soon and enjoy this wonderful time.