Saturday, July 14, 2007

Out Of The Closet

It occurs to me that perhaps one reason the Snorkelwacker seemed so fearsome is that I was in the closet with him.

Moi, in the closet about anything?

Yes, odd as it may seem, although I have revealed the intimate details of my reproductive health here on the interweb for all the world to see, I've been a bit shy about sharing certain, ahem, information with the people I see face to face every day. Which means that now that my belly is bulging, I'm getting a lot of strange and inquisitive looks. Eyebrows-meeting-hairlines types of looks.

A couple of days ago, I was getting ready to appear at an administrative hearing. The court reporter, whom I see at these things every couple of weeks, leaned over the table and asked,
"Are you expecting?"

What I heard was "Were you expecting . . . .?" And so I waited her to finish her sentence: "Are you expecting . . . . this hearing to take a long time?" Or, "Are you expecting . . . . to call a lot of witnesses?"

But no. She was asking whether I am expecting. As in, is that a fetus under your dress or are you just happy to see me?

I blushed. I stammered. I smiled and said, "Why, yes!"

"Congratulations!" she said.

And then I felt compelled to pour one for my homies. "It was a long road getting here," I said. "We lost a couple along the way."

Sympathetic and slightly confused look.

I'm not sure why, but I feel the need to say something like that every time someone congratulates me on this pregnancy. I think it's because the infertility part still hurts, and I want it to be more visible both for myself and for those still going through it, and because however delighted I am about this miraculous little one, it will not erase the pain of what it took to get here, or the fear that settles permanently in the heart of an infertile woman.

Healing is definitely possible. But not forgetting.


Anonymous said...

Well Congrats making it this far, without sounding like i'm Going on about Lord Jesus again & how wonderful i know he is! I have been following your story! Your stored in my favorites!I just wanna say i hope you can now welcome God into your lives. He truly does work, & next time you need to get a brother or siter for your little one on the way, seek Lord Jesus, coz he loves you so much. take care & God Bless you! xoxo. P.s You can check out my site! On & make your own VIP page! & join the rest of us pregnant women My site is
& the main page you can just click on week by week. Ok take care!

Sunny said...

I can only imagine. I think what you are feeling is totally normal. HUGS!

gerkat said...

I do the same thing - I let people know that there were a couple of losses and a long time of trying before we got here. Not sure why; mostly because I don't want people to think I got here easily. Also I'm pre-emptively trying to avoid hurting the feelings of someone who may be going through fertility struggles of their own unbeknownst to me.