Notes You Hope Never To Have To Write

In deference to Gabby's future social life, I won't reveal whether any of these are based on real incidents:



Dear [close friend with child near Gabby's age],



It was so lovely having you and [child] over for a playdate. I am terribly sorry my daughter pooped in the bathtub while our children were bathing together. I guess the last ten blackberries were kind of a bad idea. I hope this little incident will not interfere with our daughters' friendship, or ours.



Apologetically yours,

Binky





Dear [happily childless friend],



Thank you for attempting to take me out to dinner for my birthday. Bummer that we got thrown out of the restaurant. I honestly had no idea Gabby could throw that far, or that forcefully.



Next one's on me.



Love always,

Binky





Dear [Director of exclusive preschool]:



I am writing because we have not heard back from you on the status of our application. I was wondering if it would be possible to schedule a follow-up interview. We would very much like the opportunity to demonstrate that the unfortunate biting debacle was an isolated incident.



Very truly yours,

Mrs. Binky



Dear Local Public Library:



I am terribly sorry that we returned a library book minus Elmo's lower half. I have enclosed a check to cover the fine, plus a small donation in the hopes that someday we may regain our library privileges.



Earnestly yours,

Binky



Dear Local Parks Department:



Sorry about the whole sand thing. Won't happen again.



Sheepishly,

Binky



Dear Neighbors,



I agree -- it is unfortunate that sounds carries so well between floors. I'm sure you realize that your cat yowls just as much as our toddler. How 'bout I bake you a pie and we'll call it a draw?



Cordially,

Binky upstairs


Dear Crayola Company:

I am writing to complain about what I believe is an instance of false advertising by your company. By calling your crayons "washable," you imply that crayon marks may be washed off any surface. Extensive, um, shall we say field testing? has revealed that such is not the case.

Sincerely,
A concerned customer

*****